The Reason for Disappearing

I know that not many people read this train-wreck of a blog, I posted three posts and then vanished off the face of the Earth for a while. This won’t be long, but I needed somewhere to write and post and this was the only place I could think of. Also, this will mostly be unedited, there will be curse words and things may not make sense at times because this is just a drabble of thoughts.

I genuinely don’t know where to start… the beginning would be a start I guess, but nothing is ever as simple as it seems. I’ve been in a bit of a rut since sometimes in October last year. If you read my first ever blog, you probably read about my best friend. (By the way, if you see this, you suck! See you at work on your next shift! Oh… and fuck you!)

I’ve been in a bit of a rut since sometime in October last year. I hit a block that consisted of massive writers blog, minor depression and anxiety and working thirty to forty hours a week, sometimes going 13 days without a day off and working double shifts.

If you read my first ever blog, you probably read about my best friend. She was a nice person, we had a difference of opinion like all friends do, but we always had a good time together, I even took her to my dads for a week and we only argued once and it was over fake tan. That was in August, but when we came back, she got into a relationship with a guy… let’s call him Alan.

I wouldn’t begrudge anyone a chance at happiness, but the previous guys she had dated over the past year that we had known each other, had always given me this uneasy feeling. Like a friend would, I told her and each guy turned out to be exactly what I thought they would be and Alan wasn’t any different. I can’t fully explain the feeling, but they way he wanted her at his beck and call after being together for a week just didn’t seem right to me. (By the way, my last relationship was over four years ago, and the ex in question was a drug dealer which he denied to me when I asked him for the truth, so if this is how relationships go then hit me up ’cause I need to study for this shit.)

A few weeks went by, and all she talked about was how Alan did this and how Alan did that and I was genuinely happy for her, but at the same time, it was a complete mind fuck. By this time, she was saying ‘I love you’ after the end of conversations, she cancelled our plans for going to the gym, when I asked her if she wanted to do something she always had to check to see if they had plans… and I don’t want to sound like a needy son-of-a-bitch, but I felt like screaming in her face just to get her attention.

When I finally met this guy, after an argument with her because it was basically an ambush, she legit gave me like a half hour warning whilst we were in the gym, so not only did I have no time to prepare, I looked like shit with hair that hadn’t been brushed for three days and a face absent of makeup, he told me three things: I don’t want to come between your friendship, I will never control her like her previous boyfriends and I will not come between your plans to go away in November.

Well, I hope that it will come as no surprise that Alan broke every single one of this shitty promises. Not only did he stop her from seeing me from her outside of work, he made it seem like it was her idea to come alone to our weekend, with two other people, in London and going to the Harry Potter Warner Bros Tour.

What made it worse, was that I tried to be really fucking nice, like, I have never been so nice to someone I have hated so much in my life. I asked about his business and his two kids, I tried to make god-awful small talk over breakfast and he just replied with one-word answers and then ignored me. I have never met a 28-year-old man who acted so much like a small, spoilt, bratty child before.

My weekend was well and truly ruined, I sat in the car with my two friends who also came along and I just cried. That in itself says a lot: I hate showing my emotions to myself and my best friend from the States, (Hello, Alex, ily), so to show them so profoundly by crying, in a car no less, just showed how broken everything was. I think my exact words were, through tears and eventual laughter, “I feel like this is the kind of thing that sets someone off into a serial killing rampage.”

From then, I didn’t know what to do, I was angry, but whenever we were on shift together, it was just so easy to fall back into what we used to be like, it still is now. I asked my boss to give us opposite shifts, and I lied to her when she asked me why we hardly had shifts together.

By that time, the phone calls had stopped, we hardly ever texted each other and I only ever saw her at work. And when I finally confronted her about it, she made it seem like it was my fault, that I should have liked him and all would be okay.

To this day, six months later I still don’t think she knows what she did wrong. Now they have moved in together and she is nearly four months pregnant. I don’t think she knows how much she truly hurt me. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the bad stuff, so when I hit a block of depression, I had no idea what to do. If it wasn’t for my USA best friend, I don’t think I would be as okay as I am today. She made me realise that it wasn’t my fault, that Alan was just a shitty guy. (By the way, if you’re reading this also, I genuinely hope you enjoyed making someone as miserable as you made me *insert hella sarcastic tone*).

I am going to be back writing blog posts now. I feel happy and mentally prepared enough to write, and I promise that my next post will be highly edited. This was just my thoughts typed and to edit them wouldn’t seem right.

Thank you for anyone who has read this. I hope that you have someone that you can talk to when you hit a bad patch and that you find love from a nice person. And to all the shitty guys out there… FUCK YOU!





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